In order to learn how to best communicate and foster intimacy with your partner you first need to understand your own personality adaptation. Once this is established we can begin to comprehend your channels of communication sequentially (feeling, thinking, and behavior). You can learn and teach each other how you want to be connected and specifically, how you want to give and receive strokes. Strokes are units of social recognition and they come in the form of verbal statements (“I appreciate your help”), non-verbal communication (wink, fist-bump, wave) and physical forms (hand shake, hug, massage).

How we give and receive strokes depends on how we structure our time. There are six different ways to structure our time. One is ritual. A ritual is a stereotyped pattern of behavior with a rigid structure to it. For example, what you say when greeting others: “Good, how are you?”

Another way of structuring time is called withdrawal. This implies avoidance tactics and also the internal fantasies and ruminations that take us out of the moment. Being inside one’s head. Withdrawal ensures we do not receive strokes. This is different from physically withdrawing oneself from contact, such as when a husband or wife sleeps in the basement or on the couch after an argument (a dramatic version of the Quiet game). Withdrawal also includes the thoughts and ideas that surface in the mind that we are too shy or anxious to disclose. Therefore, the content is withdrawn and we go inward.

The other time-structuring device is activity, which comes in the form of work. Couples are often better at working together than playing together. Consider an example from the psychotherapy room. If you came to therapy and your therapist had you build a dollhouse with them, that would constitute activity or work. The remaining three forms of time-structuring are pastimes, games, and intimacy.

Pastimes include watching baseball, PTA meetings, going to grandma’s house every specific date, traditional and recurring family brunch, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) groups, etc. In terms of a social process, these are stereotyped interactions where each person fills in the blank with their multiple-choice answer. Eric Berne, MD described one such pastime with the title “General Motors” (GM). Each person goes around saying “I like [insert Chevy, Ford, Dodge]” and then another person says, “I like [insert Chevy, Ford, Dodge.” This would be an example of a pastime. Others include water cooler talk at work or commenting on the weather with a neighbor or politics. Pastimes offer strokes, but not intimacy.

Unfortunately, most of our waking experience is spent playing psychological games with others (40-60% of the time). Games are dishonest and deceptive, which is in contrast with what we think of as playing fun childhood or board “games.” These psychological games are similar in many ways to childhood games such as the excitement of hide-and-seek (“Come find me!”) or the thrill of cops and robbers (“Catch me if you can.”). What is the same is that there is an emotional payoff just like when the one “hiding” is found or the robber is “busted.”

The psychological games referred to here are not “fun.” These games exploit other people by way of having a concealed ulterior motivation. Most games are dishonest and therefore “bad.” Couples therapy is a great opportunity for you, your partner, and your therapist to figure out what games you both play. This drama is a defense and replacement for intimacy. Games offer affect based on exploiting other people for strokes.

Intimacy is the sixth time-structuring process. As opposed to games, intimacy is candid, game-free exchanges of affective expression. For example, vulnerably expressing how you feel internally without manipulating the other person. With intimacy, there is sincere self-expression in order to appropriately connect with the other person. Couples therapy is an opportunity to figure out how to get each others needs met without the compulsion to play games.