There are six different ways to structure our time. One is ritual. A ritual is a stereotyped pattern of behavior with a rigid structure to it. For example, what you say to someone when they greet you tends to be the same across time: “Good, how are you?”

Another way of structuring time is called withdrawal. This implies avoidance tactics and also the internal fantasies and ruminations that take us out of the moment. Being inside one’s head. Withdrawal also includes the thoughts and ideas that surface in the mind that we are too shy or anxious to disclose. Therefore, the content is withdrawn and we go inward.

The other time-structuring device is activity, which comes in the form of work. For example, if you came to therapy and your therapist had you build a dollhouse with them, that would constitute activity or work. The remaining three are pastimes, games, and intimacy.

Pastimes are include watching baseball, PTA meetings, going to grandma’s house, family brunch, etc. In terms of a social process, these are stereotyped interactions where each person fills in the blank with their multiple-choice answer. Eric Berne described a pastime with the title General Motors (GM). Each person goes around saying “I like [insert Chevy, Ford, Dodge]” and then another person says, “I like [insert Chevy, Ford, Dodge.” This would be an example of a pastime.

Unfortunately, most of our waking experience is spent playing psychological games with others. Games are dishonest and deceptive, which is in contrast with what we think of as playing fun “games.” These psychological games are similar in many ways to childhood games such as Hide & Seek or Cops & Robbers. What is the same is that there is an emotional payoff just like when the one Hiding is found or the Robber is busted. The games I am referring to are not “fun.” These exploit other people by way of having a concealed motivation. Games are dishonest and bad. Couples therapy is a great opportunity for you, your partner, and your therapist to figure out what games you both play.

Intimacy is the sixth time-structuring process. As opposed to games, intimacy is candid, game-free exchanges of affective expression. Sharing how you feel internally without manipulating the other person. With intimacy, there is sincere self-expression in order to appropriately connect with the other person. Couples therapy is an opportunity to figure out how to get each others needs met without the compulsion to play games.